~ Nerdbag Little Bitches ~
Popcorn ~ Volume II
In a dark alley while he pisses ~
Woman (the same actor as Miserella in Switchblade) - "So ! Hear you didn't like the flick-a-doo ... "
Pisser - Zips fast, "Oh my God, it's ... you."
Woman - "No it's not. But you called me some very bad things. Do you know what I'm going to do to you ?"
Pisser - " ... "
Woman - "That wasn't rhetorical. Do, you know what I'm going to do to you, right now ?"
Pisser - " ... No."
Woman - "Huh. Guess you don't know so much after all."
Screams from the alleyway behind the theater as the people pass with the traffic noise, the marquis ~
(''Gett Off' by Prince)
~ Nerdbag Little Bitches ~
all in a row
(credits while she does all that with a bread knife)
In the rain after the credits to the crappy motel, Eddie from 'Why I hate the Fabulous Five' coming down the stairs, her going up.
"Eddie."
"Charlotte."
Up into her room, she drops the coat and tosses the knife into the sink with the dirty dishes. Looks in the mirror.
Charlotte - "Oh my God. It's me." ... Bursts out laughing. "Bitch-ass fucking nerdbag."
_____
A tuber rages about the movie (this one), screaming how it's a personal attack on all tubers and that Charlotte's just a mean spirited cow. She clicks the pause. Lights a cigarette.
Smokes ...
Charlotte - "You're a mean spirited cow." Looks out the window, it rains. Smokes. "Now I wanna hamburger. Fuck this guy."
Closes the computer. Looks away ... then back to it, opens it and then a series of command prompts into a network now running signals ... she smiles ...
Down the stairs where the press now waits ...
Newshuman - "They say ... "
Charlotte - "Lick a clit skeaze, I'm on a mission."
Pushes through the snapping shots. An airplane flies overhead, she's smoking on other streets, notably bright as the motel neighborhood always seems darker. Clutching a rolled up newspaper like she's about to swat something, she pulls out a picture of the tuber.
Charlotte - "Ham ... bur ... gerrrr ... " Shoves it in her pocket and pulls out another cigarette, forgetting there's one already in her mouth. Looks up at the comic-con ahead ... a sigh ... "Beef."
Pauses and laughs a bit and laughs before running head down in with her hands in her coat pockets, the paper sticking out.
The tubers are gathered around the target''s booth, they all stop and stare as she approaches. A glare to the side at the Mary Sue Vector booth ... Marie Sue (same actor as Bets) glares back ... then back to laughing with her admirers.
The tuber (Jean Luc Pa-Damn) - Surrounded by the rest frozen in a stare, "Oh my God. It's ... you."
Charlotte - "No it's not. But I do look a lot like her and do you know what that's like ? With you shitbags always on about what a wreck she is ? How fucked her career is, because of fuck-faced little maggots like you ? Mary Sue's an absolute whore and even She doesn't give you the time of day. Do you have Any Idea what It's LIKE !?"
...
Pa-Damn - "Are you sure it isn't you ?"
Charlotte - "I am absolutely certain that I am not me." Slams the rolled over and crinkled paper on the table, news of the murder."
They stare ...
Rando - "Oh my God. It's him."
...
Charlotte - "What is Wrong with you people." To Pa-Damn, "So guess what shit bag. You're next. I'm gonna grind you up and I'm gonna eat you. Like a cow. Call the police and see what they've got to say about it. None of your phones recorded. They're hacked. I own you. And I just farmed All of your everything Into to fucking Bitcoin."
They all look at their phones ... "Fuck ... " they look up and she's gone.
Cop on the phone - Laughing ... he can't stop laughing, while Charlotte laughs maniacally in her motel room, until a pounding on the wall.
Eddie - Through the wall, "Jesus Christ we're All maniacal here, we Get it."
Charlotte - Looks at the mirror, to herself. "Yeah. We're all maniacal here." Shouts, "Sorry !"
('Can You Get to That' by Funkadelic)
Her monitors runs the sub-windows hacking street-cams as some of them walk, traffic cams checking plates, minimizes them and hears a knock on the door.
Eddie - At the door. "Coffee.."
Charlotte - Suspicious, then "Coffee good." Heads for the kitchen.
Eddie - Entering, "Whatcha workin' on."
Charlotte - "Murdering hate-tubers. You ?"
Eddie - "Eh. There's like this bible salesman in Hell ... it's ... convoluted. I'd stay out of it. I didn't want to make the portal at home. How ya gonna do 'em ?"
Charlotte - "Well the next one I want to eat like a cow."
Eddie - "Careful of the brain or anything coming off the cord, kuru gonna get-cha."
Charlotte - "Yeah. I know."
...
Grinds.
Eddie - Leaning into the monitor, "Yeah ... I've seen this one ... "
Charlotte - Comes out to see. "Yeah. That's the one. I took all their money so they can't hire security, they're liquidating the last on some lawyers. But they got no case 'til it happens and when it does it'll be too late."
Eddie - "I haven't seen anything hard on the last guy, said it was a mugging."
Charlotte - "It was. Three hundred dollars. Guess what I bought." Hands him his cup.
Eddie - Smiles, "Coffee."
Charlotte - "Coffee good. So ya this next one though ... I mean I told him that's what I was gonna do so now I feel obligated and That's Really complicated actually. I mean do I beat him with the antique grinder in the alley !? Do I break into the butcher's and use theirs !? Do I ... do I ... "
Eddie - "Hey ... hey. Don't worry about it. Just cut off his arm !"
Charlotte - "O my god I think I'm hyperventilating."
________
Tubers - "What are we going to do man ? I mean ... she's taken it all ! I had to sell my Pokemon collection.
A collective - "Oooo ... "
____
Charlotte - "So what happened to Crisis Existential ?"
Eddie - "Once it was all pieced together, our friend from 'Interpol' swept her away. Then her husband went on a rampage after and ... that was it."
Charlotte - "Yeah. That was it. So you're going to Hell ?"
Eddie - "Yeah. I think maybe this crazy guy can help."
Charlotte - "The bible salesman."
Eddie - "Yeah."
They laugh.
Eddie - He drinks the last and hands her the cup. "And off I go."
Charlotte - As he leaves, "Good luck !"
Eddie - Stops before the door. ... "You know. One day I hope you get what you want."
Charlotte - A slow smile, "Me too. Tell the devil Charlotte says hello."
He smiles and leaves.
____
Pa-Damn - "She's gonna fucking eat me."
Another - "That would take a really long time."
Yet another - "Complicated. Lots of evidence."
Another still - "Which could be good for the rest of us."
Another - "Mm-hm. It'll establish the pattern and then maybe the cops will believe us."
Pa-Damn - "Seriously. Fuck you guys."
Yet another - "We honor your sacrifice."
All others - "K-Plah !"
Eddie - At the door. "Coffee.."
Charlotte - Suspicious, then "Coffee good." Heads for the kitchen.
Eddie - Entering, "Whatcha workin' on."
Charlotte - "Murdering hate-tubers. You ?"
Eddie - "Eh. There's like this bible salesman in Hell ... it's ... convoluted. I'd stay out of it. I didn't want to make the portal at home. How ya gonna do 'em ?"
Charlotte - "Well the next one I want to eat like a cow."
Eddie - "Careful of the brain or anything coming off the cord, kuru gonna get-cha."
Charlotte - "Yeah. I know."
...
Grinds.
Eddie - Leaning into the monitor, "Yeah ... I've seen this one ... "
Charlotte - Comes out to see. "Yeah. That's the one. I took all their money so they can't hire security, they're liquidating the last on some lawyers. But they got no case 'til it happens and when it does it'll be too late."
Eddie - "I haven't seen anything hard on the last guy, said it was a mugging."
Charlotte - "It was. Three hundred dollars. Guess what I bought." Hands him his cup.
Eddie - Smiles, "Coffee."
Charlotte - "Coffee good. So ya this next one though ... I mean I told him that's what I was gonna do so now I feel obligated and That's Really complicated actually. I mean do I beat him with the antique grinder in the alley !? Do I break into the butcher's and use theirs !? Do I ... do I ... "
Eddie - "Hey ... hey. Don't worry about it. Just cut off his arm !"
Charlotte - "O my god I think I'm hyperventilating."
________
Tubers - "What are we going to do man ? I mean ... she's taken it all ! I had to sell my Pokemon collection.
A collective - "Oooo ... "
____
Charlotte - "So what happened to Crisis Existential ?"
Eddie - "Once it was all pieced together, our friend from 'Interpol' swept her away. Then her husband went on a rampage after and ... that was it."
Charlotte - "Yeah. That was it. So you're going to Hell ?"
Eddie - "Yeah. I think maybe this crazy guy can help."
Charlotte - "The bible salesman."
Eddie - "Yeah."
They laugh.
Eddie - He drinks the last and hands her the cup. "And off I go."
Charlotte - As he leaves, "Good luck !"
Eddie - Stops before the door. ... "You know. One day I hope you get what you want."
Charlotte - A slow smile, "Me too. Tell the devil Charlotte says hello."
He smiles and leaves.
____
Pa-Damn - "She's gonna fucking eat me."
Another - "That would take a really long time."
Yet another - "Complicated. Lots of evidence."
Another still - "Which could be good for the rest of us."
Another - "Mm-hm. It'll establish the pattern and then maybe the cops will believe us."
Pa-Damn - "Seriously. Fuck you guys."
Yet another - "We honor your sacrifice."
All others - "K-Plah !"
~ two
('I Wanna Know if it's Good to You' by Funkadelic)
As she stalks Pa-Damn ...
She watches him exit the theater and into a cab. Exit the cab left waiting and into the store, back to the cab and out into the apartment rushed and looking around. She opens her travel laptop (tiny) and waits ...
On the screen she waits ... and there he is onscreen for a live stream with the rest. Runs a ffew command prompt windows on the side ... closes the lid with a smile.
Charlotte - To herself, "Gonna pay ya Tuesday ... " Looks at her watch, "Fuck." Looks up the building, then at the doorman. Opens her bag, "Grappling hook ... hacksaw ... and ... " Pulls out the heavy hand crank meat grinder, "And ... you. God I love you." Turns the crank ... "Hm !" A smile, she shoves it back into the bag.
Heads for the alley, tosses up the grappling hook to pull the fire escape down with the rope.
____
Pa-Damn - "I don't know guys ... I'm pretty freaked. I mean ... how long will it take her to know about this place ?"
Another - Looking into the screen, "Livin' on the run ... " Sees her stomp up behind Pa-Damn with the meat grinder raised over her head. "Oh my God it's h ... "
Crack ! in the head. The four window vid-chat stare ... she walks to the camera squinting like she's trying to see them ...
Charlotte - As if trying to comprehend, "You're so ... tiny ... " The feed goes out.
...
Another - "We're not live."
Another still - Typing mad, "Nope ! No backup. Fuck !"
Yet another - "He was a good man."
Another - "Not really."
Another still - "Yeah couldn't stand him really."
Yet another - "Kinda went to his head. But you know. I kinda feel like we should say good things."
Another - "Oh yeah. Good man. I think he was a Christian."
Yet another - "Yeah he definitely talked about God once."
Another still - "I think he's like a saint now then ?"
Another - "The patron saint of all tubers ... "
____
She flips the burger in the motel kitchenette ... looks at the hamburger bun ... then the bread knife ...
Charlotte - A laugh, "Hey !"
____
The pope - "I'm afraid three miracles must be performed in his name for him to be beautified. But there are three of you so ... dope it out. It'll be a miracle if you to survive the week."
The tubers stare ... "Fuck !"
Pope - "Not helping. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a real matter in Hell I must attend to." Slams his staff to the ground, "! Dominus NOCTIS !" A portal tears through space and time, taking him away with a gust of wind and gone.
...
"Fuck !"
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